Still no Onederland for me-- but 1.5lbs down and 34lbs total!

I wish what I had to report was I am back in Onederland, but I am not. 

Positives; it is a loss and a good one at that. I am not completely off the wagon and I have not given up. I attempted at logging every day.

Negative; I had pizza the last two evenings, am not drinking my water like I am supposed to, while making a good attempt at logging I am not following through the entire day, and I only exercised once and didn’t even have my fit bit on for something like three days.

The week has been kind of rough. When I last blogged last week on 10/7 and 10/8 I was starting to feel more like myself and pretty much out of my depressive episode… I even got on the elliptical that Thursday on the 8^th and got my targeted 10,000 steps in that day and logged my food! Friday morning I woke up with a headache and as the day went on it got progressively worse. At some point this bad headache turned into a migraine. I have not had these before and while it was not diagnosed by a doctor some things accompanied it that have not been part of my headaches before (which I get pretty rarely sense I started going to the chiropractor and my neck started being straightened out.). First, the pain was noticeably on one side of the head, more on the left. Then late morning/early afternoon while at Walmart of all places the pain got so intense I almost vomited. A little after that my vision went very funny. It is hard to describe, but like of like little speaks of light over the right side of my vision. At the time I was trying to grab a few groceries and also trying to pick out a birthday present for my nephew and I couldn’t even see the price tags. That was scary. I didn’t have my phone with my and my 3-year old was with me at the time.

I sat in the car for about 5 minutes where it was darker (light sensitivity) and my vision cleared and I felt safe enough to drive home. I made it home and took some Ibuprofen. I am so lucky my husband was home for his lunch. He saw I was miserable (I couldn’t even communicate to him clearly, talking even hurt). He told me to lay down and he would lay our daughter down for her nap after she finished eating. Ohh, the pain was horrible. I wanted so bad to fall asleep and I kept waiting for the pain medicine to kick in but laid there for over an hour. Finally I fell asleep and about an hour and a half later I woke up and almost wept with relief because the pain was gone.

I am not sure what caused this and I am not sure if I will have more, but I really hope not. I am going to get some suggested pain medicine around just in case though. I spoke to some people who have or developed migraines and they gave me some good pointers. I am not sure if some dehydration lead to this because I did not take super good care of myself during the depressive episode. Also, that week my neck went out and while I tried to go to the chiropractor that Friday he was gone on vacation (I went yesterday, awww relief!).

I spoke to my mother and she suffered from migraines in her late teens and then again when she was pregnant with me. She told me that they seemed to be brought on by bright light (so I will be keeping my sunglasses around me too now when out). My brother had a bad year with constant severe migraines too. Fortunately for him they stopped after a year. I hope I am even more fortunate and don’t get anymore. We will have to see.



Picture borrowed from facebook's TJ's Pizza home page

So, as you can imagine I felt pretty horrible on Friday and still out of it the next day (all achy and stiff like I had been sick). I don’t think I tracked much either day…I will have to look. Sunday was another rough day, though not so much for me. We went to my nephew’s football game and during the game he fell and broke his arm in two places and needed to have surgery that evening. We were also going to go to my younger nephew’s birthday party that evening (his brother). The party was of course rescheduled but my husband, my daughter, my parents, and myself hung around with the rest of the kids and tried to have a mini party while my sister and brother-in-law were with my nephew. Poor guy! That evening (Sunday) we got pizza from my nephew’s (and mine actually) favorite pizza place. TJ's Pizza. 




Then yesterday I decided to go with my daughter back to their house for the make-up birthday party. At first we weren’t going to, my nephew had already opened up his birthday present and I wasn’t even feeling the best with my neck and light headaches. After a very successful chiropractor appointment and some thought I decided I would go and celebrate with him. The birthday boy was such a trooper about the whole thing and I knew it would mean a lot to him if we came. We live about an hour and a half away. The party was a lot of fun and I am glad we went. Last night though again was pizza from the same favorite place.

So, each evening I had two piece of the pizza…and this is not thing crust Papa Murphy 4 or 5 point pieces, these pieces were probably nearing 8 or 9 points a piece…the good stuff! I am back home and get this pizza so rarely that it was a special treat and I planned to cap it at just two piece (when before I probably would have gone for at least a third), but it still put me a bit over my points for both days (by about 4 or 5 points over).

On a positive note/victory I stayed away from the cake and ice cream both evenings. The cake looks delicious and I must say having my husband/accountability person there on Sunday

helped me say no to the sweets, but I was pretty proud of myself when I stayed away from the real birthday cake last night.



  Even more surprisingly, I drove by Culver’s without stopping FOUR times for the Pumpkin shake. Anyone who knows me how

much of a weakness this is for me. I normally camp out pretty much and get one the first day they get it in and probably have at least four more until they get out of season. It is officially mid-October and I have not had one yet. I AM planning on having one this year but not until (and I made this past at the beginning of the month) I stay successfully in the 100lb range for two weeks at least. I did not make it this week, so maybe next week.

Again, last night being alone in the car (no husband at least…my 3-year old was with me but she would not comment if mama got a shake) after already being over my points already after a couple of stressful days I was pretty proud of myself for not stopping at Culvers. I really wanted to. I remember even thinking on the way there…no one would know. That is not true though, I would know…I would also be honest and tell my husband and blog about on here, and tell my personal coach, Nicolle.

That brings me to my coaching session today.

Last week I did not have a coaching session at all…mostly my fault because I did not book her before last Tuesday because I knew she was going to be out of town for rest of the week. I was not really in a shape to do that Sunday-Tuesday though. Anyway, so I checked in with her today via phone. I did send her a quick update mid next week that she received when she got back home about my manic depressive episode and weigh gain.

I felt very good after talking to her. I didn’t think she would but she didn’t berate me or anything, but also did not try to make excuses for me. Helped me look ate the positive points/choices this past week and set up realistic goals for this week.

Here they are!

So, we changed my exercise amount of days from 4 to 3 and that is before this Friday (when we chat next). I already have one down today so I have three more days to exercise two more times. She also encouraged me to be sure to spread out my points again during the day and to encourage my water intake. She really wants me to push the water. I know I should get to the 64 ounces today…I am already at about 40.

So, today is going well. House feels back in order after a pretty crazy week. I got on the elliptical this afternoon and am currently at 6300 steps. I am not sure if 10,000 will be a reasonable goal every day until I am back 100% but I think I will make it today. I also have most of my water drank already. So, I am off to a good start. Hopefully this will continue and come next Tuesday I will break into Onederland again. Ohhh how I miss you! The brief stay was amazing.

Lastly, next week a good weight loss breaking back into the 100s will be about perfect timing. It will be the week that I post my monthly weight on my motivation wall.

  Another reason to work hard this week.

Thanks for reading!

And this is how change looks like

I am feeling even better today.  Yesterday I logged everything that I ate and drank my water (which I don't think I had much of for probably 4 days before this.  When I weighed in on Tuesday and was up 4.5lbs well into the 200s again (204.something) I couldn't bring myself to care too much.   Had too much other junk in my head.  Yesterday it bugged me a bit more so this morning I snuck onto the scale again to see what a more accurate weight might be if my body was back in synch and I was already down 4lbs.  200.2lbs lol.   As long as I keep up with the rest of the week I should have most of that weight off by my next Tuesday weigh in.

Something else I did this morning was to compare some of my before and after pictures (the ones I took about a week ago, not the scary looking ones from yesterday lol).   It feels good to actually see the difference when these pictures are put side-by-side.  I wanted to share. 

 

Ok, so yes I straightened my hair last week but still I can even notice the difference in my face.

Here is a kind of full body shot...

Yup, same day different shirt.  I am so tricky!  Not sure why I went with a white shirt because they are not the most flattering...probably because it was a large which was kind of exciting!  Officially graduating from most of my xl shirts. 

This is how a manic depressive episode looks like

After walking on air last week I am feeling a bit deflated. The weight gain was not a surprise because I had stopped taking care of myself the past four days.

This might hit me more later, but still…OUCH! I was pretty good the rest of last week until this last Saturday and then things just got tough. Not exactly sure what triggered me this time but my depression and anxiety reared it’s ugly face on Sunday and sent me into a stupor. I went from not eating enough to gorging myself to the point of feeling sick. I had such much turmoil in my head that what I was putting into my body did not seem important. Overall, it really wasn’t. Was struggling go function day to day and I don’t think I had the capacity to even log my stuff for a few days even if I had wanted to. Exercise would have been helpful though, would have probably helped. Those that struggle with anxiety and depression know what I am talking about. My mind was going a million x an hour and I could not seem to focus or make decisions. I had multiple crying episodes. My poor 3-year old has not seen mama like this for L O N G time, probably doesn’t remember the last time about a year ago.

It might be partially seasonal. It got a colder and while I love the fall the change of weather does funny stuff to people. I questioned if I forgot to take my medicine once this weekend but when things sent from bad to worse (after I for sure took it) I do not think that so much anymore. We had some stressful stuff going on around the neighborhood that had me a bit no edge. The week was pretty busy doing a ton of stuff with apples (apple sauce, apple pies, frozen apple pies, apple butter…). This I did not do all by myself but with different groups of people. I was on a high energy, busy, mode that I didn’t even recognize until after my depressive episode; so, I guess it was bound to happen. In a few weeks here my parents are leaving for Florida for the winter and my husband and parents wonder if that makes me a bit depressed. There are a lot of things that could attribute to my down swing but pretty much what it comes down to I can’t pin point really anything. That is the frustrating thing about anxiety and depression…usually there is now rhyme or reason.

I am so fortunate to have great support. My mother-in-law and sister-in-laws put up with me for a few days and seemed to check in on me. My mom and dad came to stay with me on a particularly bad day after a phone call to them. My father helped with some ends and odds around the house and my mother helped me do about 4 loads of laundry. They helped me retain a sense of control about the house though as they both said to me it really was mostly under control…that is not how it felt though. My husband did all he could to help me during this. I hate this. I don’t like asking for help. I hate feeling out of control and it feels even worse when there is no particular reason for it.

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt more like myself. I spent the day with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. We did more canning and they helped get my house back in order. I made an apple pie for my husband and myself and we enjoyed a piece just the two of us last night (our 3-year old is not the biggest fan). I did not log or do any particular exercise that day but I got the house put back together and cleaned the floors. I mentally prepared myself for getting my eating and exercise back into my goals for the next day (today). I meant to go ahead and plan out the week like I had been but couldn’t quite get myself to get that focused yet.

This morning I woke up still feeling good. I functioned on my own today lol. I ate and logged a healthy breakfast of two eggs with some toast. I canned the last couple of quartz of apple sauce in a hot water bath and put away the rest of the canning stuff down stairs. I had a salad with roast beef for lunch. I logged that and now contemplating what to do for supper. Still having a little tough time getting myself to focus on things in the future like what we will be having for supper and what exactly I am going to do for exercise. I know I have some ground beef thawed. I hadn’t planned on doing this blog until I sat down and pulled up a word document. Going minute by minute here. I know that is how some or most people live their life but as you can tell from some of my previous blogs planning is a strategy that usually helps me cope with my anxiety and what I feel like dysfunction. I like to plan out my meals, days, weeks and if something happens that changes it up I cope and adjust; but usually having something down as a plan helps. I think I am getting there again.

Right before I laid Cora down for a nap I changed into my workout clothes with the intention of doing something. I usually close what exercise I am going to do that morning; the elliptical, go for a walk, Turbo Jam, weight lifting, Jillian… but life is still kind of playing in fast forward.

Today is a good day though. Feel like I am back on the right track. I am overal improving because stints like this used to last weeks and not just 3 days.

So, while I am feeling discouraged about the 4.5lb gain I am not surprised because I have not been watching with I eat, have not exercised, and am dehydrated. I am feeling like the majority of it probably will roll off when I get my body back into synch again. Seeing the numbers back in the 200s is probably where the majority of my frustration comes from though because I worked so hard to get out of there. With some refocusing this week the weight should mostly come back off again. Big picture here.

Ok, I am going to go downstairs now and …do something.


...So I got distracted again.   I went to pot this to my blog and I found some great pictures I took just a few days before all of this hit.  This was me still walking on air, still watching my points and staying active.  

 

　
This is me again...wow, talk about before and after this is how a manic episode looks like I guess.  I even tried to smile and that looks even more unlike me.