This might hit me more later, but still…OUCH! I was pretty good the rest of last week until this last Saturday and then things just got tough. Not exactly sure what triggered me this time but my depression and anxiety reared it’s ugly face on Sunday and sent me into a stupor. I went from not eating enough to gorging myself to the point of feeling sick. I had such much turmoil in my head that what I was putting into my body did not seem important. Overall, it really wasn’t. Was struggling go function day to day and I don’t think I had the capacity to even log my stuff for a few days even if I had wanted to. Exercise would have been helpful though, would have probably helped. Those that struggle with anxiety and depression know what I am talking about. My mind was going a million x an hour and I could not seem to focus or make decisions. I had multiple crying episodes. My poor 3-year old has not seen mama like this for L O N G time, probably doesn’t remember the last time about a year ago.
It might be partially seasonal. It got a colder and while I love the fall the change of weather does funny stuff to people. I questioned if I forgot to take my medicine once this weekend but when things sent from bad to worse (after I for sure took it) I do not think that so much anymore. We had some stressful stuff going on around the neighborhood that had me a bit no edge. The week was pretty busy doing a ton of stuff with apples (apple sauce, apple pies, frozen apple pies, apple butter…). This I did not do all by myself but with different groups of people. I was on a high energy, busy, mode that I didn’t even recognize until after my depressive episode; so, I guess it was bound to happen. In a few weeks here my parents are leaving for Florida for the winter and my husband and parents wonder if that makes me a bit depressed. There are a lot of things that could attribute to my down swing but pretty much what it comes down to I can’t pin point really anything. That is the frustrating thing about anxiety and depression…usually there is now rhyme or reason.
I am so fortunate to have great support. My mother-in-law and sister-in-laws put up with me for a few days and seemed to check in on me. My mom and dad came to stay with me on a particularly bad day after a phone call to them. My father helped with some ends and odds around the house and my mother helped me do about 4 loads of laundry. They helped me retain a sense of control about the house though as they both said to me it really was mostly under control…that is not how it felt though. My husband did all he could to help me during this. I hate this. I don’t like asking for help. I hate feeling out of control and it feels even worse when there is no particular reason for it.
Yesterday morning I woke up and felt more like myself. I spent the day with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. We did more canning and they helped get my house back in order. I made an apple pie for my husband and myself and we enjoyed a piece just the two of us last night (our 3-year old is not the biggest fan). I did not log or do any particular exercise that day but I got the house put back together and cleaned the floors. I mentally prepared myself for getting my eating and exercise back into my goals for the next day (today). I meant to go ahead and plan out the week like I had been but couldn’t quite get myself to get that focused yet.
This morning I woke up still feeling good. I functioned on my own today lol. I ate and logged a healthy breakfast of two eggs with some toast. I canned the last couple of quartz of apple sauce in a hot water bath and put away the rest of the canning stuff down stairs. I had a salad with roast beef for lunch. I logged that and now contemplating what to do for supper. Still having a little tough time getting myself to focus on things in the future like what we will be having for supper and what exactly I am going to do for exercise. I know I have some ground beef thawed. I hadn’t planned on doing this blog until I sat down and pulled up a word document. Going minute by minute here. I know that is how some or most people live their life but as you can tell from some of my previous blogs planning is a strategy that usually helps me cope with my anxiety and what I feel like dysfunction. I like to plan out my meals, days, weeks and if something happens that changes it up I cope and adjust; but usually having something down as a plan helps. I think I am getting there again.
Right before I laid Cora down for a nap I changed into my workout clothes with the intention of doing something. I usually close what exercise I am going to do that morning; the elliptical, go for a walk, Turbo Jam, weight lifting, Jillian… but life is still kind of playing in fast forward.
Today is a good day though. Feel like I am back on the right track. I am overal improving because stints like this used to last weeks and not just 3 days.
So, while I am feeling discouraged about the 4.5lb gain I am not surprised because I have not been watching with I eat, have not exercised, and am dehydrated. I am feeling like the majority of it probably will roll off when I get my body back into synch again. Seeing the numbers back in the 200s is probably where the majority of my frustration comes from though because I worked so hard to get out of there. With some refocusing this week the weight should mostly come back off again. Big picture here.
Ok, I am going to go downstairs now and …do something.
...So I got distracted again. I went to pot this to my blog and I found some great pictures I took just a few days before all of this hit. This was me still walking on air, still watching my points and staying active.
This is me again...wow, talk about before and after this is how a manic episode looks like I guess. I even tried to smile and that looks even more unlike me.
No comments:
Post a Comment